How to Love a Woman who has been to Hell & Back.


Many have tried. Most have failed.

The weak need not attempt, for it will take more strength than you even know you possess; more patience, more resilience, more tenacity, more resolve. It requires a relentless love, one that is determined and not easily defeated.

For the woman who has been to hell and back will push you away. She will test you in her desire to know what you are made of, whether you have what it takes to weather her storm. Because she is unpredictable—at times a hurricane, a force of nature that rides on the fury of her suffering; other times a gentle rain, calm, still and quiet.

When she is the gentle rain that falls in time to her silent tears, love her.

When she is the thunder and lightning and ferocious winds that wreak havoc, love her harder.

She is a contradiction, a pendulum that will forever swing between fear of suffocation and fear of abandonment, and even she will not know how to find the balance between the two. Because today, although she will never tell you, she will feel insecure. She will want you to stay close, to tuck her hair behind her ear and kiss her on her forehead and hold her in the strength of your arms. But tomorrow she will crave her independence, her space, her solitude.

For while you have slept, she has been awake, unable to slow her thoughts, watching clocks and chasing time, trying to make the broken pieces fit, to make sense of it all—of where and how she fits. She fights her demons and slays her dragons, afraid if she goes to sleep they will gain the upper hand, afraid if she goes to sleep she will no longer be in control. Tomorrow she will be tired, and your presence will smother her. She will need only herself.

When she reaches out to you, love her.

When she pushes you away, lover her harder.

New situations and places and people and experiences will make her anxious. She will be fiercely independent and long to overcome her fears, all the while as terrified as a small child alone in the big world. Sometimes she will need to be courageous, to prove to herself she has what it takes. Other times she will need you to take her hand and hold it firmly in yours. Sometimes she may not know what she needs, and you will need to read her like a book with worn pages and a tattered spine and be what she needs when she does not know herself.

When she is brave and steps into the world on her own, love her.

When she is scared, but refuses to take your hand, love her harder.

She will live in fear of not being enough and always being too much—an endless battle to find the middle ground. Ashamed if the scale falls one way or the other, ashamed to be herself for no one has ever loved her both when she is small and also when she is tremendous.

When she feels too much, love her.

When she feels not enough, love her harder.

Sometimes she won’t hurt and the light will shine from her eyes and her laughter will be a rare and precious melody. But sometimes she will hurt so much from the trauma still in her body; she will ache, she will feel pain and anguish. The light will grow dim and the music will fade.

When she is the light, love her.

When she is the darkness, love her harder.

She will always love you with caution, with one foot out the door. For she does not understand a love with no conditions, one that is powerful enough to withstand hard times. She cannot allow herself to fully trust in your love, and she will keep parts of her heart hidden—the parts that have been hurt the most, the parts she can’t risk being hurt again when she has worked so hard to stitch them together.

She will always watch, wait and expect you to leave first. And when you don’t, she has a truth written upon her heart that says you will—it’s only a matter of time, for everyone who loves her leaves her. And so she will seek to sabotage the relationship; she will seek to destroy it, she will seek to leave first, she will seek to hurt you before you can hurt her. This is how she stays in control, this is how she survives, how she will ensure she will not get hurt again.

When she wants to love you, love her.

When she wants to hurt you, love her harder.

Being out of control terrifies her. Don’t ever make her feel powerless, trapped or without her freedom. She needs to dance barefoot under enormous blue skies, to feel sand between her toes, to run with wolves as the wind weaves magic through her hair, for here is where her healing is found. Never clip her wings, for if she has the freedom to fly, she will always come back to you.

Love her when it’s easy, and love her harder when it’s not.

Love her in a way that will defy all she has ever known love to be.

Love her because you understand with every fiber of your soul the gift of her love, what it has cost her to offer you her fragile heart.

She does not need you. She has chosen you.

Because you have what it takes to survive the storm.

Because even when she doesn’t know how to love, you know how to love harder.


Author: Kathy Parker

18 thoughts on “How to Love a Woman who has been to Hell & Back.

  1. Oh wow…this really hit home. This is just…awesome! I would love to share this via reblog, if its ok. If it isn’t, thats cool too. Just know that this post is the best thing I’ve read in a really long time!

    Liked by 4 people

  2. If only more people in our world knew how to love at all – as a verb, not a feeling – and had the strength to love the wounded as well as the seemingly inviolable, our world would be a heavenly place in which to live out our days.
    Jumped over to this stunning post from Kate’s reblog. Beautifully written.
    I’m going back to link it to Part II of a story I’m sharing in the hope of increasing empathy in the world. Watch for a ping.
    (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMORE dot com)
    ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder
    “It takes a village to transform a world!”

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Ill chose the woman who give me support when im falling in the dark, she give her hand and pull me to the ligh, and when the times come, ill bring her to go to new life and make her tears become a smile…… Forever

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Pingback: How To Love A Woman Who Has Been To Hell | Ladywithatruck's Blog

  5. It’s sad there are people like this in the world , we would all agree for sure on that.
    What this type of woman really needs is serious therapy on a weekly basis for many years , until she can be true loving partner.
    What is the benefit for any man to go thru all this “hell” for a woman like this , when there are many good women out there
    that truly appreciate all the love a good loving man can give?
    Why would a man want to waste much of his life , dealing with major issues from this type of woman?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Greetings Robert…
      The type of woman this speaks of is one who’s trust, once received, is a beautiful expression of the divine feminine. It takes a strong man to be able to be the gravity and solid core for her. When a woman who has been to hell and back is given the security of true love, there is a bond created that surpasses all other more easy relationships. All women are a challenge to men, in terms of communication, and the true testing of his ability to be unperturbed by her emotional wave state, of interacting with the world. Once in sync at this level, the connection is heaven sent. Any man that thinks the women he is with will become easier over time is deluding himself. She will still test us, ask for our fullness. It is not her place to make us whole. If she can knock her man off center, how can she trust him to keep her safe in the world?
      Blessings to you…

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Oh my goodness, I used to be like this and I was a nightmare to live with. I suddenly realised one day that it wasn’t right to expect anyone to put up with my constant dramas and demands for understanding and I set about sorting myself out. One we sort ourselves out and change our thinking, we stop attracting men who treat us badly and there is no need to have one foot out the door ready to run. We are all in total control of what we think, how we see the world and what kind of people we attract into our lives and understanding that is the first step to freeing ourselves from unhealthy drama and misery.

    Liked by 3 people

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